With only one WiiWare title released this week and this poor journalist violently allergic to all things furry, I opted to review a Virtual Console title for GameCyte instead — and set my sights on the Japanese import platformer Bio Miracle Bokutte Upa.
I won’t mince words: underneath its candy-coated exterior, Bio Miracle Bokutte Upa is an old-school hardcore platformer. If you happen to be an old-school, hardcore platformer enthusiast, then read on; but if not, we suggest you try on something more your size — or at least stock up on those squishy silicone sleeves so as to save your precious plasma TV from irreparable harm.
Still with us? Good. Then let’s dispense with formalities, and get right to the heart of what makes the 1988 Famicom Disk System classic decidedly mediocre, yet unique.
Bio Miracle Bokutte Upa, hereafter known as BMBU (just say “bamboo”) is the tale of a baby prince named Upa who must “take on an adventure spanning seven different worlds in order to rescue the kingdom from the dangerous demon Zai.” While neither the manual nor the game itself makes any mention of a Zai, and you’ll see nothing remotely reflective of demons or monarchy until the final boss, there’s certainly plenty of baby — and honestly, it’s here that the game is made or broken.
You see, BMBU is more or less a Mario clone, and a pretty poor one at that. Compared to Mario, baby Upa’s jumps are robotic, with both their length and horizontal momentum practically uniform. Power-ups are few, and excepting those that extend your lifespan, largely useless. Collision detection is awful. There are thirteen (13) palette-swapped versions of the same pig boss. But if you’re anything like me, you’ll all but forgive these flaws when you experience BMBU’s amazing gimmick, the most awesome enemy-destroying, puzzle-solving weapon this side of Half-Life 2’s infamous gravity gun.
It’s a baby rattle. Which makes your enemies EXPLODE. Well, more like inflate, turning into balloons which baby Upa can use as makeshift escalators and launch at enemies like flying green Koopa shells, but the end result is at least one dead baddie, one temporary mobile platform and one ridiculous grin on your face for each smack of a toddler’s baby rattle. Where else are you going to experience that?
For me, the baby motif worked wonders throughout. Whether the mechanics were respectively ripped from Dig Dug, Mario and Ice Climbers or no, I had a blast eating my way through a giant strawberry cake; swimming up a trench filled with killer seahorses; and leaping up the side of a frosty mountain (on my way to combat a fearsome walrus) simply because of the inherent hilarity in the lil’ tyke performing these feats.
But if you don’t share my passion for making little babies destroy things — or if the rattle’s novelty wears off — you won’t find much else to love in BMBU. The game’s 21 stages continue to challenge your platforming repertoire with a variety of clever tricks (ranging from screen wrapping to levels turned completely on their head) but when that repertoire always consists of the same three moves, it’s likely BMBU’s collection of bottomless pits and repetitive bosses will only really challenge your patience.
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