Hello, friends, and thanks for briefly wondering what the hell GameSpyte is before scrolling past. If we’ve helped you to capture even a fragment of your youthful curiosity, then we’re happy. Today, we’ll be gazing into our liquid crystal displays for a look at what the future will hold for gamers — and perhaps the rest of the world. Clear your thoughts and peer within. Welcome to the world of tomorrow!
In the world of tomorrow, school will no longer be the enemy of gaming. Tired of attempting to curb students’ use of the DS in the classroom, teachers will embrace the portable device, instead making its use mandatory and ubiquitous. It is hoped that co-opting the addictive platform will lower students’ rebellious gaming tendencies by making the device seem mainstream, and/or capitalize on the addictive properties when applied to the students’ lessons. Unfortunately, the latter tactic will work too well: Children, now permanently exposed to the Nintendo DS at school and at home, will lose the ability to relate to life without it. They will reach adulthood believing they can skip real-life conversational tasks by blowing at people, shatter televisions with proportionately larger styluses, and end up socially dysfunctional. In the end, they will have to seek employment in adult entertainment — and even that will be DS-themed.
Following this horrifying new trend, the world will band together and finally outlaw gaming completely. Following a trend of bigger and more descriptive ratings and warnings on video games, ethics boards and regulatory committees will start making the ratings process prohibitively expensive for publishers, each government-approved board requring its own included warning labels. Soon, facing mounting costs and increased back strain from attaching the required 3-volume rating & warning book to each disc sold, companies will have to relent and allow the government to rate games themselves, at which point the objectionable content of a game will be left purely up to the imagination. With accusations of rape, hate crimes, and pedophilia now allowed to go unchecked, games will be swiftly and easily banned. This measure will divert the entire budgets away from combating actual rape and pedophilia, since obviously those’ll disappear once people stop seeing them in games.
With the world now completely safe for the minds of children and adults everywhere, people will become extremely and dangerously bored. With no easy fix left to alter our brains, we will settle for the next best thing: altering our bodies. An upswing in piercings and plastic surgery will give way to the next big trend — recreational genetic design. Incredible new advances in bioengineering will allow us to map the blueprint for new life forms in any way our limitless minds can conceive. So, naturally, the men and women of tomorrow will be composed pretty much entirely of giant dicks and boobs.
These fantastic visions of the future may paint a world we aren’t quite ready for, but we’ll get there, little by little. Already, gaming technology is advancing at an alarming rate, providing new features and revolutionary ideas to an eager public. The engineering wizards at Microsoft have unveiled an incredible new design which will allow gamers to use things that they’ve paid for! More than that — it includes the technology to not revoke your priviliges based on the console’s own faults! Not incredbible enough? Sony is ushering us all into a glorious new future in which the most powerful processor in the world will finally see its full potential unleashed:
The Cell within PS3 will easily calculate [in-game advertising] views from the gross visible area and length of view, and calculate advertising fees.
What an age we live in!!
June 27th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
One of the end-italics tags is behind the cut, so everything after it on the main page is also in italics, FYI.
June 27th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Curse you, HTML! You win this round.