Greetings, readers, and welcome to a new experiment here at GameCyte. There may be one or zero of you out there who wondered, last week, why we didn’t post our weekly video feature, GameSpyte. Well, you see, since the accident, we’re still exploring our options after a judge declared it would be a crime against nature to allow someone with such extensive burns and scarring on camera, and until the sores heal over, it seemed like we might just skip last week’s video. The actual reason, of course, is that we’re temporarily without video capabilities.
So, this week, rather than disappoint the teeming dozens who enjoyed our little rants, we figured we’d bring the experience of GameSpyte to you in text form. Presenting: GameSpyte Lyte! To recreate that authentic GameSpyte experience in the comfort of your own home, imagine it as being read aloud by a smarmy little pissant with bad skin and the exact same delivery for every single joke. Side effects may include your home suddenly feeling significantly less comfortable.
This week appears to have been the week for storming off in a dramatic huff, as developers, lawyers, movie patrons, and game reviewers have all been seen walking out of their respective areas of expertise. Bridges have been burned and earth has been salted, and feelings have been irreparably harmed. Therapists and soap opera fans, take note.
Tomonobu Itagaki, the developer who brought us enough blood and boobs to condemn an entire generation to hell, has gone rogue from Team Ninja and Tecmo. On the eve of Ninja Gaiden II’s release, Itagaki struck in the night, leaving only death in his wake. Or perhaps a strongly-worded public statement. Which is the one ninjas do? I can’t remember. In any case, Itagaki chose to air his grievances to the world, claiming breach of contract, unpaid bonuses, and insulting treatment at the hands of his corporate masters. Tecmo was left to defend itself against what it called “distortions” as its stock took a 10% dive. It’s difficult to judge whether ritual suicide is preferable these days to a lawsuit of $1.4 million, but then again, it’s also tough to decide which one I’d rather watch less. You’d think the company behind an ultimate fighting tournament would resolve its differences more interestingly. Would DOATEC be this whiny?
Jack Thompson, gamers’ favorite pal, has also walked out on us, only having taken years to acknowledge our repeated suggestions to get lost. In the wake of a Florida Bar judge’s recommendation that he be disbarred, Thompson brought with him to court an extremely long objection that he intended to read, but the court refused. This is basically the legal equivalent of Thompson yelling “No, you shut up,” while the judge held her hands over her ears singing “La la la, can’t hear you.” One can see the court’s point, of course; I don’t know what the deal is with some assholes thinking they can just rant on about anything they feel like. Thompson, as a result, walked out of the courtroom, and we deeply regret he was not able to read aloud his lengthy complaint, which upon examination, appears to be about Nixon, Paul Revere, hide-and-seek, cocksucking, Pharisees, and wiggling.
Uwe Boll hasn’t walked out on us, sadly, but as a result, a theater full of movie patrons has walked out on him. Postal, Boll’s best-reviewed film at a Tomatometer of 9%, has more or less given up on finding customers at this point, and is now being given out for free, like some cinematic razor-blade apple on Halloween. 200 citizens of New Jersey apparently had nothing better to do than attend a free screening of Postal, though ten minutes later, 150 of them decided to find something better, walking out of the film in less time than it probably took to get to the theater and find their seats. To be perfectly honest, it’s actually easier to walk out of a movie you haven’t paid for — there’s no sense of obligation to get your money’s worth when no money has changed hands. On the other hand, it’s pretty damning that people would rather find something expensive to do than sit through something you’ve offered for free, before enough time has even elapsed to chew all the flavor out of their delicious Stride Gum.
Finally, Electronic Gaming Monthly has done the unexpected and refused to give a scored review of Metal Gear Solid 4, arguably the biggest PS3 exclusive there has ever been. Citing a ridiculous excuse about something-or-other, “integrity,” I think they called it, EGM declined to issue a formal review due to “the limitations Konami wanted to impose on [their] comments.” What the hell, EGM? You’re going to miss out on a huge review opportunity just because the game’s publisher is telling you what parts not to mention? You act like being a spineless mouthpiece whose opinions would be replaced with PR bulletpoints would be so unbearably awful. And Konami, way to stick up for your rights! You’ve made a wise choice — by forbidding reviewers from talking about “install times,” “cutscene length,” and “product placement,” you’ve utterly guaranteed that nobody will be looking for the game to have a long install time, overly drawn-out cutscenes, or product placement. Well done, sirs!
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