Well, hi, GameCyte readers, and thanks for glancing at the beginning of GameSpyte Lyte before moving on. Welcome to this week’s text-based rant; please be sure to thank your deity of choice that you can’t actually see me anymore. On today’s feature, we’ll be looking at the Y-chromosomed heroes who saw fit to overshadow us for our entire lives. Join us, won’t you?
Father’s Day is nigh, and it’s time we all took a moment to honor the men who raised and/or made our mothers raise us. So, what better way to show Dad you care than to insist he spend his entire day doing something you want to do? If you live in New York, you can drag ol’ Pops out to the Nintendo World store for the Super Smash Bros. Brawl Wii Father’s Day Tournament, at which you might win a Wii (which you’ll totally give to Dad, you swear). Store staff will also be presenting attendees with framed father/child photos, allowing you to forever cherish the disappointment on Dad’s face when you were explaining how you know what a Jigglypuff is.
Don’t live in New York, or don’t want to give your father an epileptic seizure? Why not make him use his day off from the daily grind to grind mobs? Give your Dad a day trip to Middle-earth, and spend the day playing Lord of the Rings Online together. The two of you can go fishing while in totally different rooms of the house, thus perfectly simulating the awkwardness, sense of isolation, and stilted communication of a real father/son outing! Or, you can enjoy pretty fireworks together, or kick back and enjoy the finest music that Middle-earth’s minstrels have to offer. Best of all, if your father has a good time, you know you’ve given him the best gift of all — not having to worry about what else he might do with that $15/month.
Dads — do you love your kids but have grown tired of talking with or looking at them? Buy yourself a present this summer, and send your kids off to Camp Fatal1ty! For the low price of $3,500, your teenager will spend two solid weeks learning to spawn-camp, rocket-jump, frag, and other terms that you will assume are euphemisms for taking an interest in girls. Best of all, the wee ones will be spending no less than nine hours a day on the very finest in murder simulators, ensuring they have the skills to make their bloodthirsty rampages efficient and effective when they’re old enough to remember how you screwed up their childhoods. Oh, well. It was this or Jesus Camp.
Finally, we would like to apologize to any readers who may not have fathers this Father’s Day, for needlessly shoving a holiday down your throat which is clearly aimed at the dad-having elite. Thankfully, you can always spend your Sunday with your other Father, and perhaps his Son, and that Holy Ghost they hang out with. Unfortunately, you’ll have to leave your DS at home, because our Father, who art a little reactionary, doesn’t want you to be corrupted by that filth. He has let us know this through his earthly vessel, the good Rev. Richard Patrick, who earlier this week encouraged his congregation to get together for an old-fashioned game burning. Setting aside for a moment the possibility that Rev. Patrick is hoping to generate toxic fumes and reach heaven’s gate, we heartily recommend all GameCyte readers to attend this testament to sanity. Valve will totally give you a Pyro Achievement.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Can’t wait to try some Fatal1ty-Brand Imitation Gruel.