In their 2008 MediaWise Video Game Report Card, the National Institute for Media and the Family included a fairly extensive list of games to avoid buying your children this holiday season, including such grotesque, gore-filled titles as Silent Hill: Homecoming and Gears of War 2. This was all well and good -- we wouldn't advocate giving a six-year old Resistance 2 either, thank-you-very-much -- until the NIMF decided to turn around and recommend Rock Revolution instead.
Remember that one Christmas when you asked for that remote control car that did all the cool flips on TV, your brother wisely asked for a normal one, and it was your brother's car that drove twice as fast on Xmas morning? Of course you don't -- that's my childhood there, pal -- but you'd better believe that the kid who gets Rock Revolution (instead of Rock Band 2 or Guitar Hero: World Tour) is going to be just as disappointed.
So in honor of the NIMF's terrible mistake, the entire GameCyte staff -- Jesse, Marie, Brendon, Alex and myself -- has decided to warn you about those games you might be tempted to get your friend/son/daughter/father/mother/significant other/second cousin... but probably shouldn't.
Here's what you don't want to get for...
The Gore-Loving Fighter:
Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe
Adult gamers will have fond memories of Mortal Kombat -- the raucous, hysterical celebration of bloody, extreme, unbelievable violence. A certain juvenile pleasure and amusement can only be had by tearing off another human being's head, and hoisting up their spinal column as a grotesque, blood-dripping trophy. Any good parent, certainly, would want to share this fun with their own teenaged son, M-rating be damned. Of course, since this latest T-rated installment of "Mortal" Kombat has no decapitation and only minimal blood, your teenager will just start resenting you early for getting them a game without the promised violence or in-game move lists.
The Street Racing Fanatic:
Need for Speed: Undercover
If the nitrous-obsessed gamer to whom you intend to gift a racing title is so young that they don't know or care about far-out concepts like "immersive environments," "open-world gameplay," "rubberband AI" and "decent framerate," and yet old enough that you don't mind them staring at Maggie Q's shapely legs in-between races, than Need for Speed: Undercover may well be the perfect game -- the satsifaction of passing other cars and becoming the best street racer comes easy when the streets are this wide open, and when your lesser rivals automatically slow down as soon as they leave you in the dust.
The Discerning PC Gamer:
Fallout 3
Touted as the next big thing, in reality Fallout 3 is plagued by the same problems as Bethesda's past efforts -- which makes it just as despised by the hardcore fans as it is loved by more casual gamers. If your significant other is looking for a serious role-playing fix, The Witcher: Enhanced Edition's grim story or King Bounty: The Legend's charming looks and deep gameplay, are by far the better options.
A watered down legacy can't save Fallout 3 from Bethesda's inept dialogue writers, equally bad voice actors, and inconsistent, opportunistic world design.
The Horror Fan: (WARNING: MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD)
Dead Space
Oh, Dead Space, how apt is your name? This game is devoid of any emotional content and not at all the high-tension scare-fest I had been promised. I knew from the opening cutscene that I wouldn't give a rat's ass about the protagonist. What sealed it was that his ex-girlfriend's hair didn't move as she turned her head. I'm not sure why, but that infuriated me. "Dude," thought I, "that chick is already dead. Oh, by the way, she's not your girlfriend anymore. P.S. She's dead."
(SPOILERS END)
And the necromorphs, which looked oddly smooth and peachy-pink to me, weren't exactly frightening. They reminded me either of soft-shell crabs or gigantic scuttling babies. Although I admit babies can be terrifying, these particular babies seemed really eager to get to know me -- an enthusiastically friendly bunch. Nice folks. All this said, if a certain someone in your life would enjoy being filled with the mild dread of being repeatedly startled by scuttling crab-babies, Dead Space will make the perfect gift.
The Role-Play Enthusiast:
Fable 2
Lionhead Studios may have crafted a beautiful world, filled with delightful characters and a suitably epic storyline, but Fable 2 seems to suggest that video games should be seen and not played. Game-breaking glitches, frustrating and repetitive money grinding, never-ending storylines and vanishing families -- don't be fooled, gift-givers; 1.5 million sold copies does not make a game fun. On the other hand, you could pull off a pretty mean joke with this gift: The week after Christmas, when your loved one angrily demands to know why you gave them a buggy, unfinished game, you smile and say, "Well, I was going to surprise you, but you're getting the patch for your birthday."
The Shooter Nut:
Halo Interactive Strategy Game
Parents, beware! When all those aunts, uncles, cousins, and other distant relations come to you for advice about your child's holiday wishes, don't just say "Well, he likes that game Halo." You run the risk of ending up with the Halo Interactive Strategy Game, a barely-playable, unbalanced, aggravating mess of a game, with a DVD you're probably going to wind up digging out of your garbage disposal. In fact, simply avoid buying your kids anything with the word "Halo" on it -- if your child likes Halo, chances are he already owns the games, and that's all he needs/wants. Warn those grandparents!
The Young Rocker:
Wii Music
"Here, game-playing loved one, I got you a game!"
"Wii Music? But this isn't a game."
"What? But everyone says the game where you make music is so much fun."
"That's Rock Band. This is... something else."
"What do you mean? It's on the game system, with the remotes, isn't it?"
"Technically, yes... Well, Miyamoto referred to it as 'not quite a game and not quite an instrument,' it's sort of like a toy."
"Who-moto? I don't understand."
"I know you don't, Mom. I know you don't."
The Destroyer Of (Virtual) Worlds:
Tabula Rasa
Is your significant other tiring of World of WarCraft? Have they already reached level 80 and demolished every WotLK raid boss? Did they destroy your loving relationship in the process? Well then, you just might want to replace the current love of their life with another MMO: Tabula Rasa. A legendary Sci-Fi RPG from NCSoft, makers of City of Heroes, Tabula Rasa is the brainchild of spacefaring adventurer Richard "Lord British" Garriott, and the only MMO absolutely, positively guaranteed to abruptly come to an end on February 28, 2008 -- even though it still currently resides on store shelves. If on the other hand you have no idea what I was just talking about, and are a doting elder hoping to get a nice new online game for your good little nephew, steer clear.
The Casual Gamer:
Game Party 2 -- Carnival Games: Mini-Golf -- Big Beach Sports -- 
pretty much any mini-game compilation you see at Wal-Mart where the characters look sort of like Miis, but they aren't Miis
Don't. Just don't. They keep cranking out this godawful shovelware because you people keep buying it! You're a part of the problem! Yes, you, average American family member -- you keep buying this crap because you see the idiots in the commercials, pretending to bowl and play tennis with the Wiimote, and you think, "Ha! Won't my family look fun doing that?" They won't. Your console came with Wii Sports. In terms of mini-sports-games, it's all downhill from there. You are buying a worse game than the one that came for free with your system, and worse still, you are giving them money to make more of them. I hate you so much.
Image Credit: PC World
November 26th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
I'm not sure Fallout 3 can be dismissed so easily. While it is true that it is plagued by the usual Bethesda fare (bugs up the derriere and laughable minor NPCs), it immersed me in a post-apocalyptic world in a way that the previous games couldn't even come close to. Plus, I have to give Bethesda marks for creating a character that I actually cared about (Dad). Were I to rate it, I would give the game a 4/5; definitely a game to give for Christmas.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I will note, Solarian Knight, that plenty of people (such as myself) have had the game since day 1 and can't even load into the title screen without the client crashing. All other brand new games? Work fine. Fallout 3? Nope! Still haven't been able to try it!
November 27th, 2008 at 1:31 am
Yeah, hardware is hit-or-miss; it either works or it doesn't. I recently upgraded my system and F3 works fine, though blowing up Megaton was resulting in crashes to desktop until I updated my video drivers and got a hotfix for F3 on my card.
I recommend you find the newest drivers for your video card and install the 1.0.0.15 patch.
November 27th, 2008 at 2:09 am
Yeah, I've done all the updated drivers, rolled back drivers, etc. Fallout 3 just has a lot of issues they're still ironing out in terms of running smoothly. Fun game, but a pain in the ass if you can't get it to run given they have no clue WHY it won't run.
November 27th, 2008 at 7:16 am
Solarian, I wrote the Fallout 3 part (minus the slight edits by the author of the article) and I should note I did enjoy the game a lot in some ways, but that particular piece of advice was meant for the hardcore role player type of gamer. The games I recommend instead of it, fit the bill more for that type, or at least for myself. Plus, they're games that deserve the sales, I'm sure Bethesda won't go bankrupt due to this article
I was sad to realise King's Bounty was not mentioned on (m)any gift guides, perhaps not even GameCyte's.
November 27th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Alexander, I'm not really sure what you mean by "hardcore role player". If you mean to appeal to immersion and getting into character, it's quite possible in Fallout 3, even though there are no ramifications to breaking character and doing something completely different. Actually, if I were to complain about anything in regard to F3's roleplaying is that it didn't really paint a bleak enough picture of a post-nuclear world and the absolute struggle to survive. Granted, there are enough raider attacks, but even on hard difficulty they're easy to take apart with a hunting rifle and a couple of grenades.
November 27th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
I'll second the request for elaboration on the term 'hardcore role player'. Did Fallout 3 not have enough numbers? Did the open-ended system for character generation leave you wanting more in the way of sympathetic individuals in the storyline? I ask because I think it's kind of unfair to write Fallout 3 off simply because it's not some other game that you'd like better. I think the game has objective merit that you're overlooking by going with the 'it wasn't my cup of tea' argument.
November 28th, 2008 at 6:23 am
Actually, I said it was my cup of tea. Just not as a role playing fix. More in the sense of a fun time wasting sandbox playground. I think I write enough of its bad RPG points in that paragraph.
The dialogue was attrocious, the main quest equally bad, the world was inconcistently designed. They probably added all the things random developers thought would be "cool", so in a sense they made a playground instead of an immersive, convincing world.
I did think the combat was not that much fun either, and the character development, both in terms of personality (regardless of which paths you chose) and in terms of role playing mechanics, was sub par.
I also hated all the caricatures of legendary moments in other games, that Bethesda tried to serve (make the boss suicide as an example).
As for "harcore role player" I meant the type of gamer that is looking for the next Fallout, the next Baldur's Gate 2, the next Heroes of Might & Magic etc. The games I recommend fit the bill much better as far as I'm concerned. That's my opinion, you know. If I have a geeky friend who wants a good RPG, I won't get him Fallout 3. And I think your friend would thank you more if you bought him one of the other titles also. Try it and see.
November 28th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Wow this review is horrible! Whoever wrote this sure doesn't have kids or your kids are really old.
"simply avoid buying your kids anything with the word “Halo” on it — if your child likes Halo, chances are he already owns the games, and that’s all he needs/wants. Warn those grandparents!"
Wow. their is all kinds of things wrong with this. Yes maybe the strategy game is horrible. I really don't know. I'll find out when I get it for christmas! You say to not buy anything halo well for the past years My brother and I have been buying Halo novels, action figures, etc. So this means that after playing the game if you like the storyline your going to want to read more and see more. As for the action figures If you still play with toys (my brother age span 3-10) your going to want to make up your own covenant battle on a couch or the floor or something. You can also buy action figures to make movies like the kids on youtube. If you really really love the game then your going to want to be a GOOD (not cheap like in party city) Master Chief for haloween. This means with a weapon which you can make or buy. I made one and my secondary weapon I'm getting for christmas.
November 28th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Well Alexander,
You are a flip flopping mofo...
You say here..
"which makes it just as despised by the hardcore fans as it is loved by more casual gamers."
and you say here..
"A watered down legacy can’t save Fallout 3 from Bethesda’s inept dialogue writers, equally bad voice actors, and inconsistent, opportunistic world design."
Yet you say it is your "cup of tea"
Are you gonna tell us next you still play F3 cause you secretly love it?
Which is it SIR?
November 29th, 2008 at 12:05 am
So, I can't enjoy a game without considering it an RPG? Just because Bethesda pimps it as one, doesn't mean that to me it really is one, therefor, as far as RPGs go, I do not recommend it to any fan.
As for what you quote, are you going to tell me that you haven't seen all the hatred of old timer fans towards F3? That alone justifies the mention of being despised.
Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not a little more open minded than that, in order to be able to enjoy Fallout 3's offerings, even if it doesn't deliver what is promised. Which is why I stated I had fun with it a couple of times, just not the kind of fun expected by an RPG.
Which, again, is what makes me recommend the two other games for anyone looking for an RPG fix. What part exactly confuses you in this line of thinking? It's all rather simple, valid, and hardly flip flopping at all. Also, it wasn't a review in order to mention every aspect of the game, it was a buyer's guide, and my advice is, to not buy Fallout 3 for a role player. Take it or leave it, it's up to you.
Not that I should have to justify myself to anyone who resorts to swearing from the get go but, whatever, I guess some actually rational readers might have the same questions as you. There's nothing more to say on the matter, this is an opinion, this is my opinion, and Fallout 3, as fun as it can be, is not good as an RPG, thus it's not recommended for that type of gaming fix. Simple.
November 29th, 2008 at 1:22 am
Ocean Man, having tried the Halo board game -- it does suck. I own all of the Halo novels, bought two legendary editions so I could keep one as a boxed collectible, and have a MC costume I use for cosplaying conventions like Comic Con. But the board game is utter garbage.
I believe the review they linked in its description describes it perfectly. It has SO much potential, but the rules and DVD ruin it. If your kids (or you) are clever and want to make up your own ruleset and use the boards/figures, power to you. But if you love Halo you will not like the game at all.
November 29th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Lol, so you're saying F3 isn't an RPG now? What exactly is it? You're Playing (P) the Role (R) of a different character in a video Game (G). Hermm, it sure seems like an RPG to me.
Unless of course your idea of a RPG is going onto WoW with your buddies and pretending that you really are that level 35 elf in real life. Then, of course, you probably shouldn't be writing reviews, because that is entirely different than what the term RPG is ment to mean.
I fail to see the point you are trying to make about Fallout 3.
November 29th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Congratulations, you described the vast majority of games in existence. I guess anything but the likes of Tetris is an RPG to you. Thanks for the insight. Dude, you should contact Epic and tell them they could market their own games as RPGs also, just to tap into this audience themselves. What wasted opportunities!
And no, WoW is hardly a good RPG either. It's a damn good social experience however (though, thankfully, I've been "clean" since May). Anyway, try playing one of the good games which gave birth and/or characterised the genre. If you don't understand, it is not my fault, but rather your lack of experience (ha...). It's easy to fix it, just start with a P&P RPG, to see the genre's origins, then move on to the acclaimed classics, to see just how good the translation from the P&P environment was, then come back to Bethesda, to see just how limiting and shallow the games touted as RPGs today are in comparison.
It's okay, not every roll can be a success.
November 29th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Yeah, Microsoft owns the Halo IP now, so there's gonna be a lot of things branded "Halo" soon that Bungie will declare non-canon (the story equivalent of flipping it the bird) and everyone else will avoid like the plague.
Also most parents just buy games based on what the child asks for or by the number of guns on the front cover.
November 30th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Mwl, Like I said I never played the strategy game so I can't say if I like it or not. I totally disagree with "if your child likes Halo, chances are he already owns the games, and that’s all he needs/wants. Warn those grandparents!"