Uwe Boll: A Constant Source of Comfort

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Uwe Boll: A Constant Source of Comfort

Thu, Mar 6, 2008

Uwe Boll is an angry man. He's a violently angry man who challenges critics to boxing matches. He firmly believes his video game movies can beat out Steve Spielberg. He has produced such reprehensible dreck as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne. And let me tell you something: Uwe Boll is amazing.

I'm not going to pretend to find any social value in any of Uwe Boll's movies. I won't even compare him to Ed Wood because, let's be honest, Ed Wood wasn't making those movies as some complicated German tax dodge. Ed Wood was sincere in his putridness. Uwe Boll is a manipulative cur of a man who destroys the very medium of film. His involvement with a film immediately dooms it.

If you haven't watched any of his films, you're really missing out on an experience. I know, you might have better things to do with your time than endure five or six hours of cinematic torture. The fact is that if you can't appreciate truly awful movies, then I don't think I can be your friend. But, I've got a treat for you. I'm going to break down Uwe Boll's movies for the uninitiated. A Cliff's Notes for Uwe Boll, if you will.

House of the Dead:

4% Fresh

I watched this movie out of order. I have to confess that my first experience with Uwe Boll was not his first film, so I had to rent this movie on Netflix. It took me two nights to make it through the entire movie. At one point, my roommate walked into the living room, looked at me, asked, "Why," shook his head, and walked away.

First of all, for a movie with an onslaught of zombies, there really isn't a lot of gore. Boll hadn't refined his techniques yet.

The best part of the movie is that Boll insists on showing small clips from the game at random intervals throughout the movie. Just... for fun, I guess. It's completely disrupting, but since the acting is wooden and the action is poorly executed, it fits right in. My favorite scene, though, is a battle with zombies when each character is show, individually, shooting some zombies, and then they get a separate shot away from the action in which the camera spirals around them in a pseudo-game limbo world as they wield a gun of some variety. The gun isn't necessarily the same gun as the scene that the movie cuts away from. And then, the death scenes show the characters dying in that weird, pseudo-game limbo world.

It's good, but it just isn't as good as his follow-up.

Alone in the Dark:

1% Fresh

Tara Reid plays an anthropologist. Go out to the rental store and pick up this movie right now. It is imperative that you see this film. You will never be more bewildered or amazed in your life. At one point in the movie, Reid says with what must be her best effort at acting, "I have to study these artifacts!" That line alone is worth the price of admission.

You know you're in for a real treat from the seemingly unending opening scroll of the movie:

In 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed that there are two worlds on this planet, a world of light and a world of darkness. 10,000 years ago the Abkani opened a gate between these worlds. Before they could close it, something evil slipped through. The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth. Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's most remote places. These artifacts speak of terrifying creatures that thrive in the darkness, waiting for the day when the gate can be opened again. Bureau 713, the government's paranormal research agency, was established to uncover the dark secrets of this lost civilization. Under the direction of archaeologist Lionel Hudgens, Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government shut down his controversial research, Hudgens built a laboratory hidden within an abandonded gold mine. There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children in an attempt to merge man with creature. Hudgens victims survived as "sleepers" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling.

How can you not want to spend 2 hours with this movie? Word on the street is that there's a director's cut. I'm going to have to buy that. Seriously.

Christian Slater sleepwalks through the movie and none of the narrative makes an ounce of sense. If you can tell me what the plot of the movie actually is, or how it relates to the source material, please drop me an e-mail. I would love to hear your insight.

BloodRayne:

4% Fresh

I can't lie. This movie disappointed me. Despite the terrible acting and the bland, poorly orchestrated action sequences, the story actually sort of makes sense. You can see that Boll really is trying in this movie. He's not just collecting paycheck after paycheck. Well, he is, and he's destroying D-quality video game franchises in the process (Not you, Alone in the Dark, you're kind of cute in a horror-survival way). But, even as he destroys these games, he's still trying to be a director. It's like watching a chimp trying to crochet. It's kind almost... sweet.

All the rest:

I haven't seen Dungeon Siege yet, but I will as soon as my Netflix comes in.

I would like to be honest here. For a moment. It's not like Uwe Boll has done anything new in making terrible video game movies. Do you remember Super Mario Bros.? Street Fighter?

We really need to lighten up about these movies. It's not as though Uwe Boll is doing some grave disservice to the industry that the industry doesn't do to itself. And, if you can't laugh at Uwe Boll, then you might just start crying. And that's not half as fun.