To: Hillary Clinton
From: Niko Bellic
CC: Johnson, Carl
Date: April 8, 2008
Hil,
It’s been a long time, no? I know the feeling when a Colombian trade deal goes wrong, but really when it does, you’ve got to deal with it like a Colombian. You know what I mean, eh?!? They don’t demote. And I could teach Mark Penn a thing or two on Microtargeting.
To think, how far we’ve come in the last few years. Who would have thought the nomination would come down to the Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Indiana? When you first attacked my cousin CJ were you anticipating our release date near the Iowa caucuses? Well, this delay could work for both of us.
One might say the last time you were really the only candidate was when you did decided to attack the youth vote. It’s sort of been downhill from there, eh? So I suspect whoever replaces Penn will probably alert you to our new release date a week after Pennsylvania and you’ll take another shot or two to wrap up the “moderate” voters, you know, those who play less than 20 hours a week. You did lose your innocence when you decided to go after us. You and Bill pulled down 109 million in the last 7 years, which is nice, but you better know, I’m going to do those in one day. Hell, John McCain goes to the MTV Music Awards and Obama is all over YouTube; you really want to be taking swipes at the primary form of leisure entertainment for an energized voting group? I’m can’t wait to see if you do.
On the other hand, maybe we could reconcile. I might be slightly short of requirements for Presidency, but I think we might want to talk about a partnership. Unlike Obama, I would not publicly disrespect your VP choices. I would help bring in swing Reagan Democrats of Eastern European descent. I might scare the soccer moms a bit, but you should have them locked down. By the way, is Chelsea still single?
Anyhow, I know you’ll want to talk this over. I’ll call you at 3 a.m. Don’t worry, I’ll be up, and let’s do some hot coffee.
Take it easy,
Niko Bellic
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